"I want it!" The screaming from down the hall became more intense as I made may way from the opposite end of the house. "What is going on?" I asked. Surveying the scene I noticed the tell tale signs of a meltdown as I observed my nine year old son sprawled out on the floor, talking like a baby and demanding ownership of a small stuffed dog his older brother wouldn't let him have.
My sentimental twelve year old son looked at me with pleading eyes as he explained the stuffed animal Gabriel was obsessing about was the one we had given him as an infant, while we were still in the hospital recovering from his birth. Gabriel screamed he wanted it anyway and I left the room for a moment to gather my wits.
In the space of just a few seconds the following facts raced through my mind-- 1. With all three children's birthdays following close together, starting with Ezra's, we'd been talking a lot lately about being born, which always stirs up questions about birth and adoption. 2. Gabriel's former foster family had visited the weekend prior to this outburst, which always causes mixed feelings--happiness at seeing them and knowing they really do love him, and feelings of rejection that they didn't adopt him. 3. I have no doubt that Gabriel is jealous about Ezra's special toy, given at birth, because he doesn't have a cozy birth story where a mom and a dad are excited and happy to bring him home.
I went back into the room and Gabriel had moved to a glider rocking chair. I knelt beside the chair and took his face in my hands. I looked him in the eyes and said, "Gabriel, I wish I had been there when you were born. I wish I could have held you and cuddled you and given you a stuffed toy. I'm sorry I wasn't. If I could have been there I would have." He looked at me and cried. He yelled at me that he wanted a toy like Ezra's and I pulled him close and let him cry on my shoulder.
Bad behavior doesn't equal a bad child. Take the time to get to the bottom of things before you make the assumption that your child is making bad choices out of spite or manipulation. After the above conversation, nothing else was said about the stuffed dog. The baby talk stopped and you could feel the tension draining from our house. How different the outcome would have been had I met the challenge with punishment.
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